The Parody of the Hunger Games
by The Hash Slinging Slasher
Summary: Katniss Everdeen is on her own against twenty three other tributes, but at least she has her talking backpack to keep her company. An all-around parody that explores Katniss's philosophical battle with murder, as well as the origin of Peeta's hilarious bakery themed name.
1. Chapter 1

Katniss rolled out of bed and looked down at her scruffy cat. It had an interesting backstory that gave some insight into her family's situation, but all you really need to know is that Katniss's Dad is dead. Few protagonists of teen novels have any parents at all, so in that sense Katniss was lucky that she still had her clinically depressed mother.

She pulled on her hunting boots and set out through the cold morning, as blackened miners trooped by her on their way to work. Their fingernails caked with soot, they had wearied of trying to remove the stains of the mines day after day. She made her way to the fence that kept out the predators, who were determined enough to try and eat people, but not quite determined enough to get under the fence like Katniss did every day.

Katniss stalked stealthily through the woods, picking up her bow from a hollowed log. The woods opened into the clearing where Gale was waiting for her. She took a seat next to him on the ground.

"Hey Catnip," he said.

"Catch anything?"

Gale held up a string of rabbits in response. Then he looked out over the green, lush valley.

"We could do it you know. Run away. Live in the woods," said Gale.

"Where is this coming from?" Katniss asked, startled by his tone.

He shrugged. "Do you think you'd ever want to have kids?"

"You don't sound like yourself, Gale," she said, looking him in the face.

"Katniss-"

She stood up. "Let's go. I saw some tracks on the way over here."

Gale sighed. _Friendzoned_, he thought, _Friendzoned so hard_.

Several squirrels later, Katniss and Gale were in the Hob, District 12's black market. Most black markets are more of a metaphor for illegal activities, but this was a literal market that you could go to. Everyone was generous with their deals today. It was the Reaping, after all.

Greasy Sae handed them a big bag full of unidentifiable meats. "Good luck."

"Greasy Sae," said Katniss, "Everybody else might think that you're just this big, stereotypical lunch lady type, but I know you're special," she pointed to her chest, "right here."

Gale nodded, pointing to his own chest.

Katniss and Gale parted, and she headed back to her tiny house. Inside her mother was getting Prim ready for the Reaping. The second she stepped in the door, Prim ran at her like a happy puppy.

"Let's get you ready too, Katniss," said her Mother.

Katniss brushed past her. "Whatever Mom, I don't need you. You can't hunt."

"But I can do your hair," she replied quietly.

Katniss threw herself down into a chair. "Fine."

Once the three of them looked fancy enough, they joined everyone at the bustling plaza. Cameras on cranes were positioned around the square, assuring that every moment of entertainment was gleaned and given to the viewers. Up on stage, the mayor stepped up to the microphone.

"Happy Hunger Games! You know," he began, placing his hands on either side of the lecturn at the front of the platform, "I know you're all probably nervous. Will I be chosen? Will my children be chosen? Well I can't tell you that. But I can tell you this: we've got bigger problems, people."

There was murmuring amongst the crowd.

He nodded. "Yeah. Think about it. Hundreds of years ago, America was the most stable country in the world, possibly in the history of government. And now we're some 1984-esque fascist state? What the heck do you think happened to the rest of the world? What about, like, Mexico? Things were already pretty screwy down there. What about North Korea?"

The crowd murmur became confused. A young boy towards the front raised his hand.

"Sir, what is North Korea?"

"Exactly! Is there even a North Korea anymore?" exclaimed the mayor, his face lighting up. Two security guards from the Capitol came up behind him, each grabbing an arm and pulling him away from the microphone.

"What happened to Asia?" his now unamplified voice called out over the crowd," What happened to Asia!"

Effie Trinket took center stage. "What a speech!" she said enthusiastically.

There was sporatic applause.

"And now, what you've all been waiting for. The drawing!" she took several short steps to her right, and reached what was probably at present the cleanest hand in the entire District into the giant ball containing every girl's name. She rustled the slips around for effect, then withdrew a name.

"Primrose Everdeen."

The tiny girl made her way through the crowd to the steps, the sun catching on her necklace.

Katniss squinted her eyes. "Oh my gosh. That's mine," she nudged the person next to her, "That's my necklace."

She began pushing her way through the crowd. "Prim! Prim!"

Katniss caught her halfway up the stairs, grabbed her shoulder, and turned her around.

"This," she undid the necklace, "Is mine. Thank you."

"What's this?" Effie's level of enthusiasm seem to have spiked, "A volunteer?"

"Um, no, I'm actually just-"

Prim clutched at her. "No! Katniss!"

"Jeez, get off me-"

Gale lept up the stairs and snatched Prim off of her.

"Everyone, I give you District 12's new female tribute!"

The crowd roared.

"Dang it dang it dang it," Katniss said under her breath as she marched across the stage.

"And the male tribute will be," she pulled out a second white slip, "Peeta Mellark!"

The crowd erupted into laughter as a stocky blonde boy made his way to the stage.

"It's a real name, okay!" he shouted at them.

Katniss was bent over, guffawing. "No it's not," she wheezed.

He aimed a hand at her. "Katniss? You're named after a plant!"

"That's totally different!" she managed to get out. Her eyes watering up.

Effie patted him on the shoulder. "It really is, sweetie."

Haymitch staggered off of the stage behind Peeta's back, pointing at him and laughing.

**AN: **So I hope you liked this chapter, I'll be able to update fast since I've already written the next couple! It's not because I have nothing better to do! Ha...


	2. Chapter 2

Katniss sat alone in a waiting room, observing all the things she had never seen in the Seam. Velvet. Lights that would be on all day. A bowl of fruit. A table.

Prim and her mother came in and ran to her, and they all hugged and cried and said 'I love you'. Prim hugged her as tightly as she could, pressing her face up against her shoulder.

"Promise me you'll win?" she asked.

Katniss shook her head. "No. Some people train for this thing, Prim. Come on."

Prim and her mother were escorted out, and a large yet warm looking man entered. He sat down in the chair across from her.

"I'm Peeta's father," he said.

She snorted back a laugh. "Why did you name your son that?"

He leaned forward in his chair. "Because bread's the only life I've ever known. Here are some cookies." He tossed her a white paper bag.

She opened it, and the smell of delicious baked goods snuck into her nose. She closed it again.

"What? Is this supposed to guilt me out of killing your son in the arena or something?"

The baker stood up and walked away.

"What is the meaning of this?" she shouted at his back. Gale passed him on his way into the room. Katniss stood up, and they embraced each other.

"Katniss, I know you can win," he said as they slowly pulled apart.

"Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why? Think of how perfect your entire life has been in terms of preparing you for this. You know how to survive in the wilderness by yourself, you can feed yourself from the environment, you can kill with a bow, you can climb trees, you're used to being hungry, the death of your father has to some degree dulled you emotionally to death, you're-"

"I get it, I get it," said Katniss, "I'm not a Mary Sue. Thanks."

Gale was replaced by some Capitol security, who took her onto a train. The rooms in the train were better than any real room Katniss had ever been in, and the one she was assigned contained a bed that called to her.

"Hey Katniss, you can sleep here tonight," it said.

Katniss lept back. "What the heck?"

"There's no need to be upset, there are many talking objects in the Capitol," said the bed consolingly.

Too tired to talk to a bed, Katniss collapsed onto the perfectly comfortable mattress and was almost instantly lulled to sleep by the whirring of the train.

In the morning she woke to the same gentle, constant sound. Katniss saw clothes for her across the room on a dresser. A simple shirt and pants, like something she would choose to wear. She heard Effie's voice through her door.

"It's going to be a big, big day!"

Katniss pulled the covers back over her head. "Would you say that to a sheep in a slaughterhouse?"

"Sheep can't speak English, dear. They couldn't understand you," she replied in a motherly tone.

Katniss rolled over. "Effie..." she groaned.

Katniss dressed, and stepped out of her compartment into a room where Peeta, Effie, and a clearly wasted Haymitch were sitting around a table eating breakfast. A TV on the wall was playing highlights from the other Reaping Day cermonies.

She looked down at the table in amazement. "What are all of these things?"

"I don't know," said Peeta, shoveling eggs into his mouth, "But they're delicious."

Katniss shook her head. "Man, don't pretend like you're hood like me, you grew up in a bakery. _A bakery_."

"Hey! We only got to eat the stale bread!" he returned in an attempt to defend himself.

Katniss put a hand to her chest. "Oh, pardon me, that must've been so hard."

"It was," he said indignantly.

Katniss slammed her open palms onto the table. "I had to kill everything I ever ate!"

Peeta rose to his feet, and so did she. They glared at each other across the table. Haymitch laughed, looking between the two of them.

"Did I get a couple of fighters this year?" he asked, pouring a dark something out of a flask into his glass.

"You got one," said Katniss, "I don't know about Sourdough over here."

Peeta squinted at her. "That's pretty solid, but I'd appreciate you not making jokes about my name anymore."

"Whatever you say Captain Crunch," she said.

He pulled back from the table. "Captain Crunch? What?"

"It's a wheat product, I'll give her that one," put in Haymitch.


	3. Chapter 3

The sleek train shot through a tunnel, and emerged in a dazzling wonderland of multi-colored skyscrapers, flashing billboards, and well-fed people. The train slowed down as it approached the Training Center, and crowds of fans lined the streets along the electric tracks. Peeta waved to them, smiling his charming smile. Katniss scowled out the window. She pressed a button, and the glass slid down.

Cupping her hands over her mouth, she shouted, "You suck!"

Haymitch grabbed her arm. "Those are your potential sponsors you're talking to," he snarled.

"I'm too hood for sponsors," she said, frowning at him.

"No," he closed the window, "Nobody is too hood for sponsors. You need all the help you can get out there. Anyway, you probably haven't done too much damage. You've got a great story, saving your little sister. Everybody already loves you," he looked at Peeta sadly, "That kid's going to have to work for it though."

Peeta took a white paper bag out from behind his back, and rolled down his window. He took a handful of chocolate chip cookies from the bag and tossed them out of the train. The crowd's arms reached up in response, cheering wildly.

They got off the train, and were led by some Capitol security into the Training Center. They all got into a big elevator with curved walls.

"I've never been in an elevator before," said Katniss.

"Aww, that's adorable," Effie cooed.

"Yeah, poverty is adorable," Katniss said.

Haymitch took a bottle out of the inside of his jacket. "If sarcasm was a tangible thing," he said shakily, "You would have, like, a ton of it."

"If sadness was a tangible thing, you would have a ton of it," she raised her eyebrows, "But I think that's called alcohol, so-"

This kind of hateful, somewhat drunken banter continued until they reached the floor they would be staying on. Katniss and Peeta went to their separate rooms. Katniss experimented with the various technologies that were, until now, completely foreign to her, such as hot showers, microwaves, and floors.

The next morning she awoke, again, to find that clothes had been laid out for her. She dressed, then found her way to breakfast.

"Today is a big, big, big day! You'll meet with your stylists, then there's the parade!" announced Effie.

An Avox appeared at the table, bearing a large silver dish with a shiny chrome cover. Haymitch snickered as he set it on the table.

Peeta put down his fork. "What?"

Haymitch pressed his lips together, smiling with his eyes.

The Avox removed the cover, revealing two loaves of peeta bread.

Peeta stood up and walked away.

"What?" said Haymitch, laughing, "What?"

xxx

Katniss felt raw, having had an entire team of stylists wax and pluck her to the bone like a chicken. They spun around wielding various design instruments, occasionally swooping in and taking a stab at her.

One of them stroked their purple chin thoughtfully. "We've considered dying your skin."

"Dye it camouflage, so I'll blend in to the arena," she said, flinching as a single eyebrow hair was expertly removed. They laughed.

"No, seriously," she said.

Cinna entered. He lacked the eccentric piercings and color of the rest of the design team. Had he not been well-fed and educated he could have almost passed for a Distritct citizen.

"I think you're going to like your dress," he said. Even his Capitol accent was less silly.

"Is it equipped with a jetpack that I can use to fly away from my doom?"

He smiled sadly. "Well, no-"

She shrugged. "I probably won't like it then."

xxx

Katniss and Peeta stood on their carriage as it cut it's way through the crowd. Katniss looked down at her flaming body appreciatively.

"Not bad," she said. Peeta squeezed her arm.

"Smile," he squeezed out from his shining teeth.

"Oh, come on, they love us now," said Katniss, "Look," she cupped her hands around her mouth, "You suck!"

The crowd pressed up against the barrier separating them from the street, calling their names and cheering wildly.

"See?" said Katniss.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Almost to the actual Games...

"Why are we the only ones dressed the same?" Katniss asked as she stepped out of the elevator and into the training floor with Peeta and Haymitch.

"It's cute. It's different," Haymitch replied.

Peeta eyed the floor moodily. "You're cute and different," he muttered.

"Hey, shut it pumpernickel," Haymitch growled at him, "Now go out there and learn something you can use to kill other children with."

The unfortunate pair made their way around to the different stations. They avoided archery and weight lifting, attempting to disguise what would hopefully be their biggest advantages in the arena. Instead, the two spent an unusually long amount of time at the knot station.

The knot expert set down his rope. "You know what I'd like to see? Just once?"

Katniss looked up from her work hesitantly. "Um, what?"

"Someone win with this," he held up his knot, "With just this."

"What?" said Katniss.

He leaned closer to her. "Like, set tons of traps everywhere across the whole arena. Some, massive knot network that would catch animals and other tributes."

"Um..."

Peeta tapped her on the shoulder. "That girl behind us. She's been following us the whole time."

Slowly, Katniss turned her neck, and looked just past her shoulder at the tiny girl.

"She's probably trying to figure out how she can kill us," Katniss hissed," We need to throw her off."

Her voice suddenly raised to almost shout. "And then, I used that bear's teeth to kill the second bear!"

Other tributes turned towards them with skeptical looks. The little girl didn't move.

"Dang it Peeta she's some kind of tactical mastermind she saw through my bluff," Katniss said, keeeping her head low to the table.

xxx

"I hope you kids learned something, because these scores are important," said Haymitch as he and his tributes waited for their turn in front of the Gamemakers.

"What am I even suppossed to do? Bake?" Peeta asked.

Haymitch shrugged. "Sure. Bet they've never seen that before. Is there an oven in there, by chance...?"

Peeta gaved him an amazed look. "No. There is not an oven in there, Haymitch."

"I don't like your negative attitude, Baguette," said Haymitch, "You'll never win like that. That's how I won, you know."

This comment made it's way out of their conversation and into Katniss's head. "Excuse me, how'd you win?"

"With attitude," said Haymitch.

"Come on," a disgusted Peeta stormed out of the room as his name came over a speaker.

Haymitch sighed. He and Katniss waited in tense silence for her turn. She rehearsed what she would do to dazzle the judges with her archery abilities. Haymitch inspected a bottle of amber colored liquid that had turned up in his pocket. When Peeta trooped back in, Katniss took a deep breath and her name came over the speakers.

She could hear Haymitch and Peeta talking behind her.

"So how'd it go?"

"It went great. They loved the bread I baked for them."

"Did they now?"

"NO-"

The elevator door slid closed behind her, and she dropped down into the training room. The Gamemakers were eating at a long table, and appeared to barely notice her walk across the room to the archery station. She began shooting. They continued to barely notice her.

"Ahem," she coughed, then shot another arrow into the human-shaped target.

The Gamemakers continued their general merry-making.

"A-he-hem," she coughed again.

Laughter from the table.

"If you would all please observe my archery skills," she said in a raised voice. A Gamemaker put down his cutlery and wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin.

"Thank you for getting our attention in such a polite manner. Social skills," he made a mark on a clipboard, "Ten out of ten."

The other Gamemakers nodded appreciatively. She began walking back towards the elevator, bowing every couple of steps as they clapped.

"Thank you, thank you," she said.

xxx

Katniss and Haymitch sat across from each other on separate couches. The leather squeaked as the portly man shifted around, looking at her as if searching for the proper viewing angle.

"This would be easier if you were nice like Peeta, you know that?" he asked.

Katniss nodded. She had anticipated that her interview would be the most difficult portion of the pre-game events for her.

"Maybe, I can talk about how my Dad's dead, and I'll get pity sponsors," she said in a questioning tone.

"No teen protagonists have parents. No one will care about that," Haymitch said gruffly.

"Hey," Katniss looked at the floor, "That was a tragedy."

"You're going to be a tragedy if we don't get you any sponsors," returned Haymitch.

"Nice conversational segue," said Katniss appreciatively.

Haymitch squeaked back into his couch, patting the big armrest. "Yeah, talking to kids who are about to get brutally murdered just gets easier every year."

"The interview?"

"Just... just try not to be hated."

xxx

The Capitol's colorful crowd cheered as Katniss took her seat beside Caesar Flickerman. They shook hands, and he complimented her dress.

"Yes," said Katniss, "If I had to choose what I would wear before being stabbed to death in the wilderness, it would be this."

Laughter from the audience.

"You're great sweetie, you could've been a comedian!" said Caesar with a look at the crowd, who cheered in affirmation

Katniss's face lit up. "I get it now! Caesar. _Flicker_man. You're a Roman Candle firework."

The crowd burst into laughter again, like a sitcom laughtrack.

Caesar laughed along, a real smile splitting his perfectly sculpted face.

Katniss let out her own chuckle. "I also think that this whole thing is the most disturbing display of barbarism in the history of humanity, and that you're all conceited fascists!"

The laughter faded into a rumbly silence. A couple smarter Capitol citizens booed, and it caught on. Haymitch burried his face in his hand. Katniss pushed herself out of her chair with both hands, and walked across the stage with her hands raised.

"Keep hatin'," she said.

Haymitch took a flask out of his jacket as his second tribute took the stage, and the crowd toned back down. Peeta and Caesar were great, just enough emotional content to make it personal but light.

"So you probably have a girl waiting for you back home?" said Caesar. He was shocked as Peeta shook his head, "Someone you've got your eye on at least? What better way to get her, come back the winner of the Hunger Games?"

"I don't know if that'll work too well."

"No...?"

"See, they came here with me."

Caesar offered him a look of deep pity. "That's going to be hard."

"Pfft. Not for me," said Katniss offstage, and then, in a whisper, "I will waste you!"


	5. Chapter 5

Katniss turned over and over in her bed, winding herself up in her covers. The fact that the games were tomorrow seemed to be just outside her powers of comprehension. She smelled the perfectly clean sheets. This was the only way she would ever experience luxury like this. She went up to the roof to escape her room.

Peeta had beat her there. The colorful city flashed at them. She stood next to him.

"What do you think the arena will be like? Do you-" she began.

"You know," he said, talking over her, "I want to die as me. I don't want to just be part of their system. I don't want them to take who I am."

"So, you think there'll be, like, trees? Or..." Katniss mumbled off.

"I just," he sighed, "I don't want to play their game."

Katniss shrugged. "Okay. Kill yourself then."

"I can't. There's a forcefield so you can't jump off the roof."

"Okay. Seriously, man? If you wanted to kill yourself, you could."

He turned to look at her. "How-"

"Break glass at dinner," she stabbed at her neck with her fist, "weapons in the training room," she sliced across her throat.

"But-"

"Stab yourself with a pen! Drown yourself in the bathtub!" she became more animated.

"I-"

"If you don't want to play, you don't have to man," she started backing away, looking at him with widened eyes and arms stretched out to either side, "You don't have to."

xxx

At last, the moment had arrived. Katniss found herself under the arena with Cinna, standing on the metal plate that would push her up into the hands of the Gamemakers.

"Cinna?" she said.

"Yes, Katniss," he said with a deeply sad look.

"I appreciate everything you did for me."

Cinna nodded, his eyes sorry.

"But," she continued, "If you _really_ cared about me, you would've actually done something to help me besides make sure I looked cool before I died, like an escape plan."

The plate lifted her away from Cinna into the sun. Twenty three other tributes rose out of the ground in a wide circle around her, grass stretching off into a forest. The golden cornucopia gleamed in the light, stocked full of fun survival items. Claudius Templesmith's voice boomed around them.

_Haymitch said to just run_, thought Katniss, _But I can't just leave with nothing_...

"Psst, hey!"

Katniss looked at the two tributes closest to her.

"No, not them, down here."

Katniss looked down. A bright orange backpack with a pair of big white eyes sat about ten feet in front of her.

"You gotta pick me up."

The countdown began, and the tributes got into various positions of readiness.

The white, cartoony eyes bored into her.

"_What_?" Katniss hissed at the pack.

The starting cannon went off, and Katniss lunged for the pack, scooping it off the ground by a strap. She was yanked back suddenly. A boy tribute had the other strap, and was headed in the other direction.

She jerked it toward herself. "Get your own talking backpack!"

Blood splattered out of the boy's mouth and he collapsed, spluttering. Katniss pulled the other strap over her shoulder, and saw a girl with a shiny new case of knives coming her away. She turned and ran.

"Oh my gosh, you are seriously not affected by that?" cried the backpack in a high voice, "That kid just-AAAGGHHHH!"

The girl flicked out another knife, and it cut cleanly into the orange fiber.

Katniss swept across the grass and was soon in the shade of the forest. She slowed to a jog.

"Oh, why?" called the backpack, bouncing along with her strides, "The pain!"

Katniss tugged the knife free and slipped it into her pocket. "Shut up Backpacky."

"Oh, Backpacky, original," coughed the bag.

Katniss ran on, eventually transitioning into a walk, crunching through the underbrush. She stopped once she felt she was at a safe distance from the other tributes and knew she had not been pursued. She slipped off the backpack and laid it on the ground in front of her. She began removing the contents and placing them around her in an organized manner.

"I guess there is some good stufff in here," she said, rustling around at the bottom of the bag. She put on a pair of big, rectangular sunglasses, "What do you think?"

"You could do better," answered Backpacky.

Katniss set the contents of the bag neatly back into place, and continued through the darkening forest. When the light had almost totally faded , she scaled a tree, found a sturdy fork, looped herself around the trunk with her belt, and settled into her sleeping bag. Just as she was beginning to drift off despite the extreme circumstances, she spotted a light. The light of a fire, warming up a little glowing ball of the forest.

"Wow, what a noob," said Katniss, looking on.

"Better not bring anybody over here," Backpacky said, "Idiot."

"I kind of hope she dies."

There was a terrible scream that seemed to ricochet around the trees and bounce right into Katniss's ear.

"Well, okay, now I feel bad," said Katniss, settling back down into her plastic sleeping bag.

"Don't," Backpacky said, looking straight up at the sky, "She was a fool."

Katniss slept uncomfortably.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey, wake up Katniss," Backpacky said, lying squarely next to her head in the sleeping bag. She woke with a slight intake of breath.

"Wait, do you sleep?" she asked.

"Nope."

Katniss turned her full attention to the orange pack, intrigued now. "What do you do all night then?"

"I think."

"So you think twice as much as a person does?"

"Mmhmm."

Katniss picked it up the bag by it's sides. "You can tell me how to win then! You must be a super genius!"

"It only takes one thing to win," he said, his big white eyes tunneling into hers.

"What?"

"Attitude."

She threw him back into the sleeping bag. "Dang it that's what Haymitch said."

Katniss rolled up her thin but effective sleeping bag, placed it inside Backpacky, and quickly made her way down the tree with the ease of a squirrel, but with the added caution of a squirrel who was being potentially chased by twenty three other squirrels.

As she trekked on, the one water bottle that had been in Backpacky began to drain at an alarming rate. Resisting the urge to panic, she began following the slope of the land downward in the direction her future water source would be flowing. Before long she came to a stream-fed pool. She skimmed the surface with her water bottle, then dripped in the correct amount of iodine.

"Here give me some of that, " said Backpacky. Katniss slumped him off her shoulder onto the ground and brought the bottle to his mouth.

"Seriously?" he said, "I don't need to sleep, but you think I need water?"

She swooped the water bottle up to her own lips and forced out a laugh. "Yeah-"

"I was kidding," he said dryly.

"I know, I was just going along."

Backpacky contiued to judge her with his eyes. "Wow."

A ball of fire splashed and exploded into the water with a great swooshing sound. Katniss slung Backpacky over her shoulder and scrambled up into an awkward run as another sphere of flame sizzled over her head.

"If that's another tribute, they're going to win," said Katniss, attempting to weave a defensive pattern through the trees.

"No, that's the Gamemakers. Pretty funny too," Backpacky chuckled.

She ducked and rolled. "What's funny about this?"

"Think about it."

"What am I looking for, a pun?" she panted.

"Sort of."

Katniss snapped her fingers. "Oh," she laughed, "Girl on fire-fireballs, that is fu-uaaaaghhhh!" she skidded to the ground, clutching her shin. Crawling and scraping her way behind the cover of a half-buried boulder, she ripped off the bottom of her pant leg. The shiny pink flesh and dark red burn marks were not encouraging.

Backpacky chuckled from behind her. "Fire..."

Ignoring this, Katniss ripped some strips from her pant leg, "Do you have anything in there for burns?"

"Wait, say it like you're Dora the Explorer."

Katniss grimaced. "Hey, Backpack!," Katniss said in a high enthusiastic tone, "Do you have medicine?" her face darkened again.

"No!" said Backpacky, mimicking her impression.

"Dang it."

An oppressive heat descended down upon them, and a crackling could be heard in the distance. A deer pranced over the rock and flew over Katniss's head. She struggled to her feet and looked over the grey rock to discover that the forest was completely ablaze behind her. It was advancing somehow, pushing onward through the brush like a wall.

She took off once again, limping wildly, knowing that the Gamemakers were shoving her into another entertainment opportunity. Just as she began to really out-distance the fire, that opportunity came.

"Look!" came the voice of a career.

Katniss could see the pack of well-armed tributes. She scaled a tree, and they circled around underneath her.

"I'm going up," said one, handing off some of his gear. He made it some ways up the tree before a branch snapped under his weight and he fell.

"Fatty," Backpacky shouted.

"Shut up!" the boy retaliated from his bed of broken sticks.

"Fat fat fatty."

The insulted boy was about to defend himself when another member of their pack came forward with a bow and took careful aim at the tree. One shot revealed that she was not as skilled as Katniss feared, and another arrow stuck into the tree just below Katniss, who took it and waved it around.

"We might as well camp here. We can deal with her in the morning," the pack began to settle.

Katniss stopped waving the arrow. "That's it?"

A male career looked up at her. "Yeah. You wait though."

"That's all you're going to try?"

A blank look in return.

"Why not set fire to the tree? Or try with the arrows again. This one was pretty close," she displayed the said arrow for him.

The tribute shook his head. "Nah."

Katniss's face revealed her growing agitation. "Okay, this is not a siege. I am not in a castle somewhere in France, being surrounded by the armies of my godless foes who are going to plunder my villages and rape my women. I am in a tree, and there are like six of you. This is not Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where I taunt you and you come up with increasingly ridiculous plans to enter my domain. All you need to do is burn this tree, or throw a knife, or something."

Ignoring their besieged squirrel, the careers made camp next to the unassailable tree.

Katniss surveyed the dark tree tops around her until a pair of eyes blinked out of the gloom at her. A dark face followed. It was the little girl, Rue. She pointed a tiny finger upwards.

Katniss followed the little digit up until she saw it too- her escape. It was a hornet's nest. But not just any hornet's nest. This was a Freaking Death LSD Hornet nest. The usual buzzing and resulting terrible swarming attacks that followed coming into close proximity with these nests had been delayed by the smoke from the fire.

"Oh, that's convenient," Backpacky expressed bitterly, "Bit of a deus ex machina, don't you think?"

"Shut up," Katniss began sawing away at the branch the nest was attached to with her knife.

Her knife dropped through and the big grey ball fell. Somehow, almost magically, it managed to fall through an entire tree-full of branches and not get stuck. Splitting open on the ground with a crunch, the hornets woke up from their smoky sleep. Katniss heard the cries of the careers as she moved as quickly as she could down the tree, hands scraping across bark. When she reached the ground the tributes were in complete disarray, and, in a daze, she noticed a green lump on her arm.

She laughed. "That's weird."

"Hey, Katniss? Katniss?" Backpacky called from her shoulder.

Stumbling through the camp, she was so busy observing a new variety of hopping tree that she almost walked over a bow. It was clutched in the swollen hands of a dead or dying female tribute. Katniss pried the precious weapon away and groped about for the arrows.

"Katniss!" it was an urgent looking Peeta.

"Sourdough?" Katniss looked at him skeptically.

"Are you literally hallucinating a giant loaf of sourdough bread right now, or are you just calling me that?" he asked, checking behind his shoulder.

She pulled the arrows off of the dead tribute, laughing. "What?"

"Run!"

Cato crashed out of the forest, slashing his sword at the hornets. Katniss ran off into what she was pretty sure was the other direction with her bow.

"I think the venom is starting to kick in," Katniss said deliriously, whipping her hands around in front of her face.

"It's not," came a deep, raspy voice from the shadows. She spun around.

"Who are you?"

A black figure pulled itself out of the darkness. "I'm the Batman."

"Katniss! You're hallucinating, I can't see him!" Backpacky said, straining to see over her shoulder.

"I can't see him, maybe he's the hallucination," came the harsh voice again.

"But why are you here, Batman?"

"I'm everywhere there's injustice."

"That's noble."

"I try," said the caped crusader with a nod.

"Oh my god, Katniss, don't start tripping out on me man," said Backpacky worriedly.

"Don't swear to God, swear to me!" Batman flew forward, his cape cloaking them in darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

Katniss's hands shuffled and picked through the bushes, plucking small green herbs up and placing them into her other hand. Once she had gathered up a small ball she straightened herself and then quickly swung her bow off of her back.

"They're not the only ones who can make alliances you know," she said, eyes sweeping the trees.

Rue peaked out of some branches. "You'd want to be allies with me?"

"Sure," Katniss re-shouldered her bow, "You saved me back there with the LSD Hornets."

Rue dropped to the forest floor, and Katniss spotted the swollen mark on her arm. She reached out her hand full of greens.

"Here, these will help."

"She'll slow you down," Backpacky said.

Rue spun around frantically. "Who was that?"

Katniss turned around so that Backpacky was facing her new ally. "It's my talking backpack."

"Oh, hello," Rue said.

"You are weak," Backpacky looked her over.

Katniss whipped around. "He's cynical because he's made of plastic. What kind of supplies do you have?"

Rue took a small knife, a couple of berries and a root from her pocket. She looked down at Katniss's leg, still red and shiny from her burn.

"Oh, I have something for that," she took some herbs out from her other pocket and began to chew them.

"That's gross," Katniss said.

Rue spit out a wad of pulp into her palm, squatted down, and placed it on Katniss's burn.

"Ooohhh yes, we're going to be the best allies ever," Katniss moaned.

"End her now," Backpacky urged in a quiet tone.

"No," Katniss hissed over her shoulder.

xxx

Katniss and her new friend sat around their fire, roasting the two rabbits that they had mangaed to snare. Rue turned the spit while Katniss kept a hand on her slack bow and looked cool as she stared off into the forest.

"So you're from District Eleven, huh?" Katniss said.

"Yes. Agriculture is our main export."

"Huh. So you probably had loads of food," scoffed Katniss.

Rue shook her tiny head. "No, we were never allowed to eat any of the food."

"Well I had to kill everything I ever ate with my bare hands."

"The penalty for stealing food was getting your hands chopped off, so we don't use that expression in my District."

Katniss flinched. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Rue held up her hands with a weak smile, "I'm not offended."

"But do you know who doesn't have hands?" Katniss said, "My Dad. Because he's dead."

"I'm very sorry. There are also many executions in my District."

"Oh, he wasn't executed, he exploded," Katniss nodded at her, waiting for her to be sorry.

Rue poked at one of the rabbits. "Do you know who else has a lot of fatherly issues?"

"Who?"

"Strippers."

Katniss looked off into the night sourly. Rue spun their meal around, the fire flickering around in her big dark eyes. Katniss slowly eased herself around so that she was sitting next to Rue. She set down her bow and put her arms around her folded legs.

"You really remind me of my sister," Katniss dropped the words softly onto her.

Rue answered with an odd half-smile.

"But not in a good way, in a 'you are my emotional replacement for her now' way."

Rue shifted slightly farther away. Katniss put her arm around her.


	8. Chapter 8

Katniss and Rue moved down the stream, careful not to pick their now numb feet up above the water. They listened for the splash of a fish in the gurgling, Katniss keeping her bow aimed down at the lazy current.

"So do you know where the career's base camp is?" Katniss asked.

"Yes. They are with all the supplies by the lake."

"Wow, freaking campers. So they have haven't needed to hunt for food at all?" Katniss looked down her arrow.

Rue shook her head.

"Man, even in this place I get to do the hardest possible thing," Katniss said, "We need to get rid of those supplies. I have a plan. You'll be the bait and run around lighting fires so they'll leave their camp, and then I'll go over there and get rid of their supplies."

"How?" Rue asked reasonably.

Katniss shrugged. "I'm sure the answer will present itself to me once I'm over there."

xxx

Foxface danced her way to the mountain of supplies, removed some food, and skipped back out stepping in her footprints.

"I'm kind of rooting for her now," said Backpacky.

"What was that?" Katniss asked, perplexed by the strange routine.

"It's the landmines. They dug them up somehow, and re-set them."

"I should've thought of that," Katniss unshouldered her bow, "That would've been hardcore."

"Sure. Whatever. Just throw some junk over there and set them all off."

"Mmm, are you sure that would work?" Katniss stuck out her tongue and took aim with her bow.

"Well yeah, if she had to freaking parkour her way to the supplies then they're close enough together that one explosion would set them all off."

"Or," Katniss released an arrow toward the pile that snagged across a bag of apples, "I could do this."

"Katniss that is a ridiculous waste of arrows."

"No, it'll probably only take one more," a second arrow flew at the bag and it ripped open a little bit further.

"Katniss you're an idiot."

"No look, this is it, right here," Katniss squinted down her arrow.

"You might want to back up. This isn't like the movies, where you can walk away while things explode behind you. If you are this close when all of those high-powered explosives go off, you're probably going to have a concussion and die."

"Backpacky, you are for holding things," Katniss twanged her shot away.

There was a brilliant flash and a thunderous noise. Katniss fell back into the brush and was showered with debris. Staggering to her feet, she barely registered the smoking pile of charred, useless survival supplies. A red spot blured her vision, and she realized it was on the tip of her nose. Shaking hands felt around her head until they found the source, which was a bloodied ear. She snapped her fingers next to her head.

"I'm deaf!"

Backpacky spit dirt out of his mouth. "So was Beethoven, you don't have an excuse."

Katniss stared at her hand, skin stained crimson.

"You know who else had issues with explosions?" inquired Backpacky.

"Wh-who?" Katniss fell back to the earth, clutching the side of her head.

"Your Dad."

Hearing the footprints of the careers with her functional ear, Katniss crawled behind a bush as blood leaked out between her fingers and Backpacky cackled.


	9. Chapter 9

"WHO DID THIS!?' Cato hurled blackened boxes of burnt food behind him as he dug through what was left of the pile.

"He is not happy," whispered Backpacky.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Katniss cradled her head.

"YOU!" Cato pointed to a sort of out of place looking tribute, "YOU DID THIS!" he charged at him.

The wiry boy produced a small chip of circuitry with stray wires hanging out the side. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Cato."

The giant halted, steaming.

The boy nodded at him slowly. "That's right. You don't think the kid who's smart enough to take apart a landmine could come up with a better plan than 'hope they don't kill me'?"

Another career unsheathed a knife.

"Just kill him Cato," said Clove, "You have very clearly been identified as the evil tribute that Katniss is eventually going to have to face, you're not going to die here."

"What? Oh, come on," the boy lowered the electronic square.

Katniss stumbled off through the woods with Backpacky bouncing along with her. She was attempting to run as fast as possible while simultaneously being as quite as possible. The smoke from Rue's fires was still lingering above the tree tops. She mentally checked off the landmarks leading her to their meeting place, and the familiarity of her surroundings disturbed her.

"Rue?" Katnis called as loud as she would dare. She heard their four note call in response, and, drawing her bow, she went off in it's direction. When she could hear the song was close to her, she called again. A mockingjay fluttered lightly onto a branch in front of her. Opening it's beak, it chirped out Rue's tune.

Katniss broke through trees into a clearing where she was instantly assaulted by a terrible scene. Rue was tangled in a net with a spear sticking out of her side, and another tribute was beside her. Mechanically she reached for an arrow, drew, and shot him through his throat. Katniss cut Rue out of the net and laid her down on the soft ground.

"I'm sorry," Rue breathed.

"No, no, it's my fault." Katniss stroked her coarse hair.

"It really is," said Backpacky.

Rue's eyes fluttered. "Would you sing to me, Katniss?"

Katniss looked at her sadly. "I can't really sing."

"Please," Rue's breathing became faint.

"My Father used to sing to me," Katniss looked off into the forest, "he had the most beautiful voice. I don't really sing though. So, sorry."

Rue's dark eyes closed.

"Finally," Backpacky said.

Katniss laid her head gently down, brushing some stray locks out of her face with trembling fingers. A square shadow grew on the ground. Katnis looked up and saw that it was a silver parachute holding back a small white box. She caught it and flipped the top off.

"Oh, sweet! Bread!"

"So how do you feel having killed someone directly for the first time?" Backpacky asked.

Katniss shrugged and wiped some crumbs off of her mouth.

"Nothing?"

Katniss pushed the rest of the bread between her lips. "Not really."

Backpacky's bright white eyes narrowed. "Then you can win."


	10. Chapter 10

The quiet, but not uncomfortably quiet night was broken by the golden voice of Claudius Templesmith booming through the forest.

"Attention tributes! There has been a rule change! As of now, two tributes from the same District may both win!"

Katniss sat up in her thin plastic sleeping bag. "Peeta!" she said aloud.

"He's injured," Backpacky stared up at the stars, "Leave him to die or he'll drag you down with him."

"I owe him! He saved me back there by holding off Cato," Katniss looked down at Backpacky, who sat squarely next to her, tucked into the sleeping bag.

"Oh, I get it," said Backpacky, "Now that two can win, you're morally obligated to save him. Where were your precious morals when you dropped that hornet nest, and that girl died a terrible death, the last thing she ever saw of this earth horrific visions? Where were your morals when you shot that boy tribute, who was not lucky enough to simply die from your arrow but choked-no, drowned to death in his own blood?"

Katniss ripped his zipper open and stuffed the sleeping bag inside. "You're a real downer, you know that?"

"Do not think that there can be any solace for you!" Backpacky ranted on as Katniss slung him over her shoulder, "Your hands are stained with the blood of the innocent! You exist on life stolen from others! Others who have the exact same excuses for their actions as you do!"

Katniss tuned him out with the ear that had not already been permanently tuned out by the explosion and trooped on through the forest. Peeta, she reasoned, must be near a source of water, or else he wouldn't have lasted this long. She made her way to a river that was filled with big, flat stones that the water had to skim over. On the other side there were some caves that looked like they would be great Peeta-hiding places. She waded across the shallow but quick water.

"Psst," came a voice from below her.

She drew her bow.

"It's me!"

Katniss looked down at the ground, and Peeta materialized before her eyes.

"How the heck did you do that?" asked Katniss.

"I have a rare genetic ability that enables me to change the color of my skin at will," he answered, shifting his skin back to the grey of the rocks for a second.

"That's crazy! If you'd shown that to the Gamemakers you would've gotten like, thirteen out of twelve!"

"I thought," Peeta winced, "If I kept it a secret it'd be better."

"Do you have any other amazing abilities?"

Peeta shook his head.

"This is really the way to play man," Katniss looked around her, taking in the river and the bed of stones, "So you've just been lying here?"

"Pretty much."

"I should've just camped out somewhere. I'm deaf in one ear now, I watched some little girl die, I've basically established myself as Cato's arch nemesis-"

Backpacky cut over her. "Okay, two of those things could've been prevented. I told you not to team up with Rue-"

"I needed her for my feelings!" groaned Katniss.

"Who are you talking to?" Peeta said, looking up at her, baffled.

Katniss turned around so that he could face Backpacky. "My talking backpack. He kind of sucks but I need him to carry things."

Backpacky smiled. "I've heard so much about you, Peeta."

"You... you have?" Peeta stared at the animated equipment.

Backpacky chuckled. "No I'm just messing with you, she's never even mentioned you until now."

Peeta let his head sink back down into the mud.

Katniss turned back around, and suddenly noticed the long gash on his leg. "Can you walk?"

"No."

Katniss reached her arm out to him, and, with Katniss as his crutch, Peeta winced his way into the little cave. The little notch in the bank was big enough to fit the two of them easily, and enough light slanted in from the mouth that it wasn't dank.

"Hey, you're going to be okay," Katniss said, dabbing at his leg with her shirt sleeve.

"Katniss, I know how bad it is."

"We could get medicine from Haymitch."

Peeta cringed and Katniss pulled her hand back. "I don't get very many parachutes."

"I can understand that. I wouldn't waste money on a lost cause," said Backpacky.

Katniss attempted to glare angrily over her shoulder. "Could you shut up?" she turned back to Peeta, "I have some herbs-"

"I'm going to need more than herbs."

The pair sat in the cave, and Katniss checked over her inventory of food. She kept her bow next to her. Knowing that she should be playing up the star-crossed lovers storyline, she tried to think of something emotional to say. Luckily, Peeta stepped in for her.

"I remember the first time I ever saw you. It was the first day of school, and you had your hair in two braids instead of one. You were wearing a red dress."

_That's super freaking creepy that you remember that_ thought Katniss. However, she answered with, "That's sweet, Peeta," and, in a moment of extreme want for a parachute, leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

A noise from outside. Katniss snatched up her bow and scrambled out onto the bank, where a shiny silver parachute was waiting for her. Inside was a metal pot full of steaming broth, and the greatest smell she had ever smelled wafted up into her face.

"Congratulations," said Backpacky, "You are now a soup whore."


	11. Chapter 11

"Tomorrow, there will be a feast at the Cornucopia," came the voice of Claudius Templesmith, echoing it's way into their little cave, "And this will be no ordinary event. You all have something that you need dearly. It will be there, marked with the number of your district."

Katniss turned to Peeta. "Your medicine."

"Or," said Backpacky, "It could be morals. You both need that."

Peeta ignored the bag. "No, Katniss. I won't let you."

"You'd do the same for me."

Peeta grabbed her hand. "Promise me you won't go."

"You'll die without it."

"I can't have you risking yourself to save me. You can win, Katniss. You can go home," Peeta squeezed her grimy, sweaty hand.

Katniss gave him a skeptical half-squint. "I don't know. Cato and Thresh are pretty crazy."

"Just promise me you won't go."

"Nope."

Peeta looked at her desperately.

"Kiiiiisss," said Backpacky.

Katniss grabbed him by a shoulder strap, and dragged him to the mouth of the cave. Picking him up over her head, she hurled him into the river with shout of rage. He skipped across some slippery stones before settling into a current, where he burned his white eyes into Katniss as the water inched him downstream.

"You will rue the day," he said.

Katniss choked back a sob.

"That's right, _rue _the day! Pun intended!"

"WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!" Katniss shouted into the forest.

xxx

Night seemed to come unnaturally fast, the sun rolling away and the darkness creeping up behind it. Somewhere Katniss imagined a Gamemaker pulling some lever, as if he were simply switching the lights off. She took up her bow and arrows and climbed out of their little cave into the moonlight, which also had an unnatural quality to it. It felt too white, too perfectly round and huge.

Katniss made her way through the forest, wondering whether the other tributes would come, and what their plans would be. The empty Cornucopia shone in the artificial moonlight. A table with the promised packs was set in front of it. A tiny one, barely bigger than whatever form of medicine she assumed was in there, was marked with a twelve.

Foxface and her annoying fox shaped face dashed out of the opening of the Cornucopia, snatched up one of the packs, and lept into the forest not far from where Katniss was concealed behind a tree.

"I should've thought of that!" Katniss slammed her fist into the trunk of the unfortunate plant.

"You should've," said Backpacky.

Katniss tried to catch a look at Foxface through the greenery. Sure enough, the orange bag was now on her shoulders, staring back at her with it's cold eyes.

Angered by the site of her old equipment, Katniss broke through the bushes and made a run for the table, bow in hand. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the girl from one, and her adrenaline spiked. She got a shot off, but the girl ducked and rolled out of the way like she had been training for this her whole life. The career flicked a knife toward her, and Katniss knocked it away with her bow. The girl was on her faster than Katniss's brain could manage, given the distance, and she felt the air vanish from her lungs.

Clove pinned her to the ground and it became apparent quickly that Katniss could not unseat her.

"How the heck," panted Clove, "Did you block that knife with your bow?"

"What?"

"You hit my knife away with your bow. Do you even understand how impossible that was?"

Katniss spit up into her face.

Clove wiped it away with her sleeve. "Jeez, I'm just trying to explain-okay, look," she picked Katniss's bow up off the ground and traced the widest part of it with her finger, "This is about three inches. My knife," she produced another blade from inside of her jacket, "Is less than a centimeter across."

Katniss looked at her defiantly.

"It's incredibly difficult to hit a moving object with another moving object. I mean, look at baseball. There's a reason that if you can hit the ball three out of ten times, you're probably going to be one of the better players. And that's all those guys do. They train, all day, every day, to try and be able to hit that ball with their bat. And here's you, swinging this tiny thing, able to block this even tinier throwing knife."

Katniss kept up her glare. "What are you saying?"

"I'm just saying that it's ridiculous, and that if you somehow win, you don't deserve to."

Katniss bit the inside of her cheek, then shrugged. "Fair enough."

Clove cackled. "Anyway," she pressed the cold blade down against Katniss's cheek, "Where were we?"

She squirmed and kicked, feeling hot blood run down the side of her face.

Clove grinned. "A little fight in ya, I like that."

"Then you're gonna love me," Thresh picked her up off the ground and slammed her into the Cornucopia in one motion. She screamed for Cato, and he bashed the back of her skull against the metal. Her cries were cut short by a hollow crunch.

"Jeez, I was waiting for you to actually do something cool," Katniss pushed herself up off the ground.

"I will let you go. For Rue." Thresh picked up his own bag from the table, his eyes darting around the edges of the clearing.

"Hey, maybe we could team up too? Not that you need help, probably, but, I mean, it's coming down to the last couple people, huh? So maybe we could just team up until we got Cato-"

Thresh took off, his abundance of gear jostling.

"No? Okay. Cool. Whatever. I still have Peeta."


	12. Chapter 12

Katniss and Peeta lay at the back of their cave, resting on various supplies, listening to the water drip down from the ceiling. Peeta's wound had almost completely sealed itself thanks to the medicine Katniss had obtained against his wishes from the feast.

Katniss jerked up off of him with a gasp, her hands going to her hair.

Peeta started to his feet, looking toward the cave mouth. "What?"

"I just thought of what would've been the best plan ever!" she buried her face in her hands, and groaned.

"What? What is it?"

"I can't believe I didn't think of it!"

"Why?"

"I can't believe no one else thought of it!" Katniss gripped her head again.

Peeta put his hands on her shoulders. "Katniss, what is it?"

She untied her boot, pulled it off of her foot, and tossed it across the cave.

Peeta stared at where the shoe had landed.

Katniss fell back onto the rolled up tarp she was using as a pillow and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. "When we were all on the podiums, right at the beginning, I could've taken off my shoe and thrown it at the ground near someone else's podium, setting off the landmines and blowing them up before the games even started."

Peeta's mouth fell open.

XxX

The star-crossed lovers ventured out into the nearby woods in search of food. Katniss carefully peering around, looking down her bow, Peeta crunching along next to her.

"You're scaring all the game away," she said, "You need to walk more like this."

Peeta looked down at her feet. "Oh my gosh, how are you doing that?"

Katniss's feet were hovering about an inch off the ground.

"It's easy, watch," Katniss carefully raised up her hands, fingers twitching. She floated up a little bit more.

Peeta attempted to mimic her technique, but remained where he was in the grip of earth's gravity.

"Probably all the bread in your system weighing you down. We should split up then. Go find some berries or something," Katniss glided off.

**Several Minutes Later**

BOOM. The cannon of death sent birds flying out of the trees.

"Peeta we should never have split up how could you do this to me that's how Rue died!" Katniss ran down Peeta's tracks. Almost knocking him over, she slapped some berries out of his hand.

"Those are Suicide Berries! Have you eaten any?"

Peeta shook his head and looked at her, attempting to understand her panic. "No. Jeez Katniss we can't all be Bear Grylls."

"Who was that cannon for then?"

Peeta shrugged. "Hopefully Cato."

"In your dreams, Doughboy," came a familiar voice from the bushes.

The star-crossed lovers made their way cautiously toward the source of the noise. The limp, pale body of Foxface was curled up like a dead animal. More specifically, a fox, because her sharp looking face and cunning, traits generally associated with foxes, gave her that sort of appearance. Attached to her by two black straps was Backpacky.

"If only she had known more about poisonous berries," he said.

Katniss squatted down next to the square, orange bag. "Foxface was smarter than that. You told her to eat those, didn't you?"

"Why would I help you? Also," said the pack, "She had a name."

Katniss saw what she thought may have been anguish, or at least just a hint of sadness flash across his face.

"It was Foxy Foxington."

Katniss choked on her laughter, then coughed to regain her composure. "Did you tell her to eat those berries, or not?"

Backpacky looked away. "I wouldn't help you."

Katniss gave him an exaggerated wink. Peeta looked down at the two of them and the dead body, unsure of what to make of it.

"So with her gone, it's just us, Cato, and Thresh," Katniss said as she pulled Backpacky off of the deceased tribute and swung him onto her own shoulders.

"I'm betting on Cato," said Backpacky.

Katniss winked at Peeta, then looked over her shoulder. "Of course you are, Backpacky."

Peeta looked on blankly.


	13. Chapter 13

Katniss and Peeta sat at the entrance to their little cave, eyes on the artificially starry sky. Their water supply gurgled along beside them. It really would have been very nice in a situation in which they were not waiting to see who had been murdered today.

"Be Cato, be Cato, be Cato," Katniss chanted.

Thresh's stern profile appeared above them.

"I can't get anything, can I?"

Peeta put an arm around her.

Warm morning light angled it's way into their stony notch the next morning. Backpacky sat leaning up against the wall opposite where the two of them were sharing the thin plastic sleeping bag. His white eyes slowly narrowed as he stared at them.

"Rise and shine," he said.

Katniss rolled over and gave him a groggy look. "Did you think of any brilliant plans for how to kill Cato?"

"Yeah. Shoot him in the head."

Katniss laughed and attempted to disentangle herself from Peeta and the bag. "Sure, Backpacky. I'll just do that."

"If you can hit a squirrel through the eye, it shouldn't be hard."

"Yeah Katniss," Peeta mumbled, rubbing his eye with the corner of his sleeve, "He has a point."

"Hey, Peeta," Katniss smiled at him, "Why don't you kill Cato by throwing a weighty object at him? If you can do it at the bakery, it shouldn't be hard."

Peeta stalked out of the cave. "Let's just go get some food."

She slipped Backpacky over her shoulder and followed him. They both stopped upon seeing the little creek, completely dry, as if a Gamemaker somewhere had just switched off the faucet.

"They're pushing us to the lake," Katniss said, kicking at the dusty bed.

"So this is it, huh," Peeta said shakily.

Katniss stamped across the dry earth, taking her bow off of her back. "Let's do this."

They made their way through the quiet forest. The lack of animal or human life disturbed Katniss. She felt like everything was holding it's breath, waiting for her to get to a certain point, to see something that they were already aware of. The two of them made it around to the lake with the feeling unbroken, the shining Cornucopia at their backs.

Cato broke into the clearing at a dead sprint.

Katniss drew an arrow, almost laughing at how easy it was going to be. "There's your finale for you," she made her shot, "Katniss is the winah."

It bounced squarely off of Cato's chest.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Katniss threw her arms in the air, "_Body armor_? Okay. I want, right now, some sort of formal set of rules for the tier of weaponry that can be obtained in this arena."

"I told you to shoot him in the head," Backpacky said.

"Why was he running?" asked Peeta.

"He's a psychopath raised from birth to combat other children!" Katniss answered, arms still waving about, "That's probably just how he gets everywhere," her tone dropped in an imitation of said psychopath, "Better go to the store," she ran in place.

"I doubt he had to go to the store, if he was rich enough to be a career," contributed Backpacky.

Katniss ran in place again. "Better go get my face dyed."

"There we go," Backpacky said.

The actual, more horrifying reason Cato had been running crashed into the clearing, barking and howling. Katniss and Peeta booked it toward the Cornucopia, following Cato. The metal was hot under their fingers as they scrambled up, the mutant pack snapping and gnashing just beneath them.

Katniss stood to her feet. Cato ran at them, his footsteps echoing on the metal. Katniss attempted to load her bow, but he was on them too fast. She swung the metal bow at him. He caught it in his hand and barreled into them.

"Peeta, use your chameleon skin!" Katniss cried. He flickered and disappeared into the grey metal.

Cato stopped and took something out of his pocket, securing it onto his face. He looked back up at Katniss. A square lense covered his right eye, attached to his head at the ear. He smiled at her.

"Heat vision?"

He nodded. "That's right."

Cato suddenly made a wild kick at the air in front of him. Peeta flashed back into sight and crumpled down next to Katniss.

"I regret not having a melee weapon now," Katniss said as Cato tackled her to the ground. She landed hard, all the air in her lungs escaping. Before she could take in some more Cato's hands were on her throat.

"Peeta," Katniss coughed, "Use..."

Peeta's eyes widened. He got up on one knee, then, willing his body to move, he stood. The baker took up a stance, legs shoulder-width apart, his hands in front of him as if they were holding an invisible ball. His eyes went completely white. A wind came from nowhere, swirling around him, lifting him up into the air. His blonde hair stood up, and flecks of flour floated up off of him. He flew at Cato and tore him off of Katniss.

She gasped as sweet air rushed into her lungs. Drawing her bow, Katniss stood to her feet. On the other side of the Cornucopia Cato now held Peeta by the throat. He stepped back towards the edge, where the dogs leaped and clawed.

"If you shoot me, we both go down," Cato said, as Peeta's pupils returned and his hair fell down.

"And then what?" Backpacky asked, looking squarely off in the other direction.

"He dies," said Cato.

"And...?"

Cato squinted at Katniss. "You win?"

"Exactly," said Backpacky, "Do you see the flaw in your plan?"

Cato's face twisted itself up in fury.

"You fail, Cato. You lose!" Backpacky shouted. He paused, letting his words settle. "You've been bred for this, for this single purpose, like some fighting dog, and you failed! You're worthless now! Your whole life had been for this, and it's over! You have wasted what little life you have lived in pursuit of victory and been bested by someone who didn't even try! You will die here and never be thought of again. One of the twenty three tributes who didn't win. You will be remembered only as the last obstacle that Katniss, this year's glorious victor had to face. You are worthless!"

A single tear ran down Cato's cheek. He released Peeta, and stepped back over the edge of the Cornucopia.

Katniss looked on in horror, and Peeta looked back at her in horror.

"Hurray," Katniss said flatly. They embraced each other.

The two of them slid off of the Cornucopia, then looked up towards the sky.

"Psych!" the voice of Claudius Templesmith boomed down at them, "Only one person can win after all!"

"Ha!" laughed Backpacky, "What a hilarious twist."

Peeta looked at Katniss with fallen eyes. "Do it. You go home, Katniss. For Prim."

She shook her head. "I'm not going to do it."

Katniss reached into her pocket and produced a handful of little black berries.

They looked at each other for a long time. Peeta took a couple berries out of her hand.

"On three," said Katniss, then, "trust me," she whispered.

Peeta nodded.

"One. Two. Thre-"

"Nope," said Backpacky.

Their hands stopped halfway to their mouths.

"If you were a totalitarian government," he continued, "Who used bloody spectacles to entertain the people in the capital and intimidate your enemies, would you rather show that with the power of true love you can beat the system, or that nobody can escape your control?"

Katniss sighed. "Let's just do it Peeta."

They brought the berries to their lips.

"Stop!" boomed the voice again, "I give you, the winners of the Seventy Fourth Annual Hunger Games!"

"Wow," said Backpacky, "They are falling apart up there."


	14. Chapter 14

Katniss awoke in a white room, weighed down by white sheets. There was a tube filled with clear liquid snaking up under the bed and into her arm. She fluttered the sheets around, trying to sit up as panic began to grip her. Across the room, a rectangular portion of the wall slid over into a door. A surprisingly sober Haymitch entered. She stared at him with wide eyes.

"Hey," he said.

Katniss continued training her big eyes on him.

"How are you feeling?" Haymitch moved to her side.

Suddenly her arms shot up and grabbed his collar, jerking him down.

"I seen some things," she said.

xxx

The crowd cheered louder and longer than they had for anything before the games as Katniss and Peeta took their seats next to Caesar Flickerman. They took their time, waving and gesturing to the audience.

"So you're going home," beamed Caesar. More applause.

"So we are," Peeta picked up.

This disturbingly light-hearted sort of conversation continued until their host leaned forward and switched into a more serious look, no longer asking the crowd for opinions and support. He delivered the question everyone had been waiting for in a quiet tone.

"What was going through your minds when you made the decision to take those berries?"

"Um," Katniss glanced at Peeta, "Love."

"Love?" Caesar repeated.

She nodded. "Love, and romance, and things."

"I knew I couldn't live without her," said Peeta.

The audience sighed.

"How touching," Caesar said softly, then, to the audience, "Is that not touching?"

Applause.

Caesar switched back into his more upbeat, showy voice. "Now are you excited about meeting President Snow?"

Katniss snorted. "Snow?"

Caesar smiled, anticipating a joke. "Yes, President Snow."

Katniss smiled back in disbelief. "Is that really the best na-"

Peeta wrapped an arm around her. "We're both very excited."

xxx

The train that had brought them to the city that they had never expected to return from now rushed them back home, flying through the countryside. Katniss and Peeta sat across from each other in a sort of lounge car, with sofas and a bar. Backpacky sat in the seat next to Katniss, looking around, unimpressed. He had been brought along to keep him from telling people the actual, less poetic reason they had almost committed suicide.

Katniss thought back to before the games, and it felt impossible that it could've been only a week ago. She remembered her conversation with Peeta on the roof.

"Peeta, are you..." she paused, having failed to think of an appropriate word, "Okay?"

He looked down at the floor. "I don't know."

"Man," Backpacky cut in loudly, "We had some good times huh?"

Katniss slowly turned, peering over her shoulder at him. "Like _what_?"

"Like when you got to eat all that delicious Capitol food?"

Peeta nodded. "That was pretty delicious."

"And all of Haymitch's drunken antics?" continued Backpacky.

Katniss laughed. "Yeah. He's a silly guy."

"And all those times when Rue wasn't dead?"

She nodded. "She was great alive. You know she reminded me of Prim-"

"And when Cato was devoured by a pack of mutant creatures?"

Peeta smiled reminiscently.

"See," said Backpacky, "You've just got to look on the brighter side."

"Wow Backpacky," said Katniss, surprised with his optimism, "Thanks."

Backpacky winked. "Anytime."

As the scenery steadily transitioned from a lush green to a sad tan, they arrived at their destination in District 12. Katniss could see the familiar parade of depressed coal miners beyond the station, and the towering plumes of black smoke beyond that. She stepped out onto the station with Haymitch and Peeta while Effie waved goodbye from the door.

"Take care you two," she waved at them with misty eyes.

Katniss turned and pointed to her. "I forgive you because you're too stupid to know better."

Gale rushed toward her with open arms.

"Gale, I-"

He stepped around her and caught an unexpecting Peeta.

"I know that feel bro," he said.

Peeta returned his hug. "Thanks."

Katniss let her arms down to her sides. She looked up at the sky.

"I'm home," she whispered.

"You're done," said Backpacky.

Katniss sighed. "I will never have to do that again."

**Author's Note: **Well I hope you guys liked this parody. I don't know exactly what I'll be doing next. Thank you people who reviewed. It gives me a good idea of what other people think is funny, and what's just me. Thanks!


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